Divorce is a very difficult time for a couple.  If there are children, it is even more difficult.  Many times, couples lose sight of the fact that it is a very difficult experience for their children as well.  During a divorce, spouses can become very engrossed in their own pain, anger, and worry.  It is very easy to forget how the divorce is also impacting their child or children.  Many times, couples contemplating divorce or are separated, have not spoken to their children about an impending divorce.  This is very problematic and not in children’s best interest.  Parents need to tell children about a divorce or separation as soon as it is definite.  Children are very smart, and they pick up on body language, tension, and intuitively know when something is wrong.  Not knowing can cause children more anxiety and worry than if you are honest with them and tell them what is actually happening.  It will not be easy to have this conversation, and if you can do it together, it is much better to do so.  If you are able, it is always a good idea to  speak to a therapist, or a parent coordinator, together or alone to discuss how best to break the news to children.  

            Just as you are experiencing a whirlwind of emotions, so is your child.  It is critical that both you and your soon-to-be ex continue to support the child and tell them that they are loved and that they are in no way responsible for the divorce as well as that you will both always care for him or her.  They will be wondering what this change will mean for them.  Children need security and stability, and their very world is shattered.  One way to remedy this is to explain to them that change can be good. Telling them that they will now have two homes and that they will enjoy more quality time with both parents, may help them through this process.

 It’s very important to ensure they are never in earshot of your criticism of the other parent whether you are on the phone perhaps with your attorney, friend, or a counselor. Shield them from finances. They should not know what is or is not being paid or if you are struggling economically. It is highly likely your children are as frightened and worried as you, and they have absolutely no control over what is happening.  

                        Validate their feelings and have an open mind and listen to them.  Don’t shut down how they feel, even if what they are saying is hurtful to you, (such  they may want to spend more time with the other parent), listen and see it from their point of view.  It may be beneficial for you to have your child speak to a therapist, or maybe spend some time with other grownups who they can speak to, such as their grandparents. Also try and normalize their lives as much as possible continue with any sport or extracurricular activities they have participated in and arrange play dates with other children. You must also be honest with your children and explain to them that you may be sad about what is happening but that it in no way affects your love for them and it is not something they should be concerned about.  Don’t deny what is happening or give them false hope about the fact that you may reconcile, if that is not the case, or lie to them about what may be happening, such a house may need to be sold, or they need to change schools.

 Another way of handling this transition,  is to remind them that things may change, but things will get better, and that there’s something new and exciting waiting for them, whether it be a new home, or another sibling, and that they’ll have more people to love them as families grow.

 Beware, studies have shown that the most damaging aspect of divorce for children is when their parents have high conflict.  No matter how difficult it may be, get the help that you need so that you are able to speak to your ex-spouse, coparent as best you can, and learn how to deal with them in a way that limits conflict and doesn’t exacerbate a situation, because that will only have a negative impact on you and your children. A child is a special gift and one that precious and needs to be nurtured and protected.

Perhaps the best piece of advice I can give is to allow your children to have fun with you and the other parents  Try to schedule activities for them you can participate in and spend quality time with them, taking them to the park, go on a roller coaster – whatever it might be to create cherished memories  and in so doing knowing that even though you are going through a divorce, life can still be full of joy and laughter, not just tears.