Divorce is a loss.  It is a death of a relationship, and there is a period of grieving. Psychiatrist, Elizabeth – Kugler – Ross describes the stages of grief as follows:

  1. Denial
  2.  Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

As a divorce attorney, with over thirty years’ experience, a certified near mediator, collaboratively trained attorney, and spiritual director I understand these stages and try to be cognizant of what my clients are going through. I have learned to navigate through these painful stages. Collaborative divorce practitioners are especially aware of their client’s experience. In collaborative divorce we speak of a common couple dynamic where one spouse is leaning in and one spouse is leaning out.  The spouse leaning out is the one who wants the divorce and is pursuing it.  The spouse leaning in has not come to terms with the end of the marriage. The spouse who does not want the marriage to end may be in a state of shock.  The couple leaning out may be at stage four or five; while the spouse leaning in may be at stage one or two.

The legal process of divorce ironically also goes through the same stages. The denial stage is when a client comes in for the first time to understand the law, process, and changes in their life. This is overwhelming and often they decide to wait because however difficult or bad their situation at home may be the change is too great for them to take on. They may choose to wait, seeing if their spouse will seek legal action or change their mind

The anger stage is most common in most prolonged and the most damaging. A spouse will come in and  be in a state of anger because of finding out about an affair, a financial crisis, or discovering an addiction; or they may have already been served divorced papers. They are ready to fight and want to use the courts as a weapon. The court becomes the battlefield. The adrenaline is pumping and they can’t wait to see the Judge. They are ready to fight. The court is the battlefield. During this stage you have the most active participation and attention from clients. They will pay a hefty initial retainer determined to show the judge who is right.

Bargaining – this stage is when a client becomes disenchanted with the legal system. The rising cost of litigation and the passage of time clients become worn out.  The information that needs to be processed, the documents they must submit is overwhelming. They now want to move the case along and discuss settlement terms. They are willing to compromise and want it over. They believe it will turn out alright.

Depression happens when clients realize the process is often difficult, long, and how their lives will never be the same. As litigation cost escalates, they suffer financial problems, and they realize how the divorce is affecting their children. If a custody battle ensues the children become part of the litigation and this is heartbreaking. Houses are sold, spouses move out, monies are depleted, and there no turning back. This hits them hard.

Acceptance – clients finally understand the process. The couple are now ready to discuss a realistic settlement. They accept what they know and what they can prove are two very different things. Sadly, it may be the very terms discussed in the first consult but 2 to 4 years later. They may have gotten a job, met someone else, or are relocating. Many have been in therapy and have used the divorce as a means of growth. These divorce clients are the most fortunate. My responsibility as a divorce attorney is to help my clients achieve this stage if they so desire.

What do the stages of divorce teach us? Without acceptance, willingness to change, and forgiveness for yourself and for your soon to be ex; you will never complete the stages. As a result, you and your divorce will be stuck in a place with mounting and devastating costs personally, emotionally, and financially. Alas, some people never get over their divorce and continue the fight throughout their lives. I urge you not to become one of them.