No one is happier than me to be entering into Phase 2 in New York City. I, like many others, feel frustration. I wonder if we will ever get back to normal, whatever that is. The practice of law since March has become anything but normal; and if I hear one more person say how great Skype and zoom is I will scream! As a divorce lawyer, mediator, collaborative attorney, legal counselor, and spiritual director I say, “Nay,” to Skype. As the Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell song goes; “There ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby.” In my role as attorney, mediator, legal counselor, and spiritual director I accompany my clients. Accompaniment means to walk with and be with someone during an experience or crisis. Nothing can take the place of looking into someone’s eyes in a face-to-face meeting and listening to them. Truly listening.
We as human beings are composed of body and soul. We are not talking heads. We are incarnate not disincarnate. The world wants us to be disincarnate, meaning disconnected from our souls, but it is not how we were made by God. Touching, seeing, feeling, listening are key components of relationship and being with someone. During an interaction, the inflection of someone’s voice, the expression on their face, the crook of an eye, the flicker of a smile is lost on electronic devices. There is something terribly lacking and it takes away from being affective and truly understood in the interaction.
As for skyping, family court in Matrimonial court appearances, that is a case (no pun intended) where it fails miserably. There is difficulty in knowing when to speak, everyone talks at the same time, and it lacks formality, which the law requires to be authoritative. There is a limited time given and it feels rushed. When an attorney appears in court with their clients in matrimonial cases there is a reality and authority, a sense of this means “business.” The attorneys for the spouses can speak to one another, the parties may speak to each other, when the case is called, they hear what the Judge says and have an “experience.” They see what court and divorce is about. On Skype there is a coldness and sterility. Judges and attorneys are more cavalier in their approach. It lacks empathy and humanity. A Skype call is a barrier to true communication and getting down to “business.”
After the Skype call, the stress and drama begin – trying to prepare orders and have two attorneys (or three attorneys if there is an attorney for the child,) and both spouses sign a document. Emailing, scanning, uploading, follow up is daunting. In this process there is no real time to explain what they are signing, and they do not understand what went on. It also lacks the formality of signing a document in court and submitting it to the Judge. There this is very detrimental to settling and finalizing the divorce as it may lead to confusion and delay. There is a laissez faire attitude when adjourning cases some of which has to do with not knowing if there will continued use of skype and pushing the can down the road.
We are social animals and we need interaction, dialogue, conversation, and to be listened to. Many of my mediation clients and collaborative clients instinctively knew this. As much as I suggested zoom during the pandemic or a Skype meeting only one mediation couple took the bait; the rest insisted we wait. One of my mediation couples recently met me at a backyard table outside my office so we could all be in the same place at the same time and mediate. They had been calling for weeks to see when face to would be possible. It went very well, and they were very grateful. They both said they could not finish their mediation any other way.

A collaborative couple met by zoom for their first session and the wife felt very uncomfortable. She said she was very nervous because I was not by her side. We spoke after the session for a long time. During our conversation I made her laugh at the technical difficulties. We laughed about how her husband was walking through the house because he kept losing his signal and how she had to move three times because she wanted her own space. this calmed her down and she made me promise our next session would be “live”.
Her comment really stuck with me. We are “live” and need to be “live” to settle our differences, brainstorm, create solutions, and increased understanding. A computers screen is not” live” and all clients deserve for us to be “alive.”