I have been a certified mediator for over 25 years.  I have met many couples as well as other clients who find themselves at odds and in need of legal counsel.  I take my role as a mediator very seriously and think of it as an honor.  To be given the opportunity to help two people come to a meeting of the minds and find resolution and peace through the mediation process is a gift.

The more thought I gave this, I realized as the mediator, especially in family law or a divorce situation, I and the couple’s form a triangle – a  triune relationship.  The couple speaks to each other and I speak to them.  We communicate, listen attentively, express our thoughts, and bounce ideas off each other forming a relationship triangle.  The couple reveals what is most pressing and weighing on them.  I offer hope, order, and facilitation.  The law and a final agreement is an important component of this of course, but the relationship of trust, transparency, and clarity shared between the couple and myself is an important component.  An intimacy is formed and helps the process and ultimate outcome.

If you are considering mediation, make sure you are comfortable with the mediator and there is a chemistry between you and the mediator.  If there is not, I doubt the mediation will be successful.  A certain amount of care, concern, empathy, and compassion is needed to uncover and reveal secrets, fears, information, and confront sensitive issues.  A certain amount humor and reaching a level of comfortability is key for a smooth process and transition.

Meeting a couple where they are and being able to see their relationship dynamic helps with resolving conflicts, avoidance, denial, and lack of commitment to the process.  Often, as a mediator I need to know when to push, when to pull back, and give the participants the time they need to consider their options and process the entire situation. I have an intuitive sense of what is needed when.

One spouse is usually ahead of the other.  The one who wants out and the one who is still in.  The spouse or partner, “leaning in” is dealing with the uncoupling process as well as the divorce and the complicated issues of finances, parenting, and a future they cannot yet see.  A mediator must be sensitive to this and guide the “leaning out” partner or spouse to understand to not push too hard but allow the process to unfold.  Timing is everything.

I am a big advocate of mediation because I can help the couple with their future as well as their present.  After reviewing and discussing finances, parenting, and support issues we often address options for the next chapter of their lives.  It is a process of accompanying I enjoy and get much satisfaction from seeing each spouse grow, move forward, and hopefully are the better for having mediated with me.  There is a mutuality and reciprocity as the triangle is formed and the mediation completed.  Working together for their good and being touched by them as I have touched them is what matters.