Parents who are trying to coparent after or during a divorce or separation, are sometimes under the impression that joint custody means similar parenting. This may cause disappointment, unrealistic expectations, and tension.  Most parents have different parenting styles.  Unfortunately, many times the different parenting styles when the parties were together compliment each other.  What I mean by that is sometimes there is one parent who is more of the disciplinarian and the other parent is more lenient.  There is one parent who might be better at making educational decisions or is more of an organizer and planner. The other parent may be more laid back and have more of an emotional bond with the child. These styles affect how a parent parents. There is no wrong or right way to parent as long as the child’s needs are being met and they are thriving emotionally, physically, socially, and intellectually.   There was a recent case in Kings County in the Supreme Court by Judge Thomas G.D. vs. BB., 52419/10 October 20, which brought this point home. 

Two parents were divorced and had joint legal custody of their two children. They were of the Jewish faith and both orthodox faith. The settlement provided for their religious requirements and holidays and the schedule for Shabbos visitation was conditioned upon the parties living within walking distance of each other.  When one of the parties remarried, the parents made a new agreement and the father had consented to the mother’s move to New Jersey upon certain conditions, including designated weekends for the father’s parenting time and the mother was obligated to transport the children since they moved away.  When there were some issues regarding parenting time, the father moved to enforce his right for access.  The defendant cross-moved for an order enforcing the provisions of the settlement requiring the children to be in compliance with orthodox Jewish religious requirements.  The court found that the father’s motion to enforce compliance with the settlement provisions was granted and that he should have the time that was in the agreement.  Again the court enforced an existing order; however, with regard to the mother’s religious objection, the court found that the father was in compliance in terms of providing a religious upbringing; however, even if it wasn’t to the mother’s specifications. 

 After you are separated or divorced, you cannot control how the other party parents or how they celebrate a certain holiday or live their faith.  The way you parented when together may not remain the same. New traditions and lifestyles may emerge. As long as the agreement is being abided by”in general”, every detail cannot be subject to the court’s policing. It is best to develop a live and let live attitude in these types of cases and to keep the lines of communication between you and your ex open. 

At the DePalo Law Firm we pride ourselves on a realistic approach to enforcing parenting agreements; however, agreements must be abided by and we will advise you if there has been a breach that the court will address and enforce.