I recently attended a Domestic violence screening seminar for court certified mediators. There was a wealth of knowledge offered and it was very helpful in pinpointing how to detect domestic violence in screening mediation cases. One of the components of the class was a review of the subtle forms of domestic violence, such as financial control, isolation, and threats of being left destitute.

 One of the take-aways for me was when a spouse uses the court system or divorce process as a weapon to delay, complicate, and obfuscate the process. This can be in the form of not being able to get information needed to resolve or try a divorce, and the refusal to obey court orders. This happens quite often. Litigants are often driven to desperation because bills are not being paid and their legal costs skyrocket, all the while nothing substantive is being accomplished. This happens particularly when custody should not be an issue; but someone makes it one. Because a litigant becomes exhausted and worn down, they sometimes feel they are forced into settlement which is not something that is best for them, their children, or what the law intended.

What was of particular note for me, was their expounding on this theme to include a party that deliberately changed their mind or position. This really hit home for me. If parties discuss a plan of action and have terms of an agreement and an attorney drafts a document and then the other party changes their mind on something, it is stressful and costly. Of course, if there is a legitimate reason for the change and an alternative is offered that is understandable; or if there is a suggestion to at least sign a partial agreement on issues that are agreed and they refuse that is problematic. A total refusal to sign at all is extremely upsetting and in bad faith. If someone is given an agreement in which they reviewed, and there is an expectation then it is settled and then someone pulls back– it is manipulative and abusive to the party who acted in good faith and had a reasonable expectation that the case was over. It is stressful for the attorneys and the other spouse and causes a loss of faith and trust in the system as well as the other spouse. It is a way of exerting power and control.

Realizing this, I now have a greater feeling of compassion and empathy for my clients who experience this. I know I get frustrated and annoyed when an agreement has revision after revision and there never seems to be a conclusion. I now have a deeper understanding of how and why this form of behavior is abusive and traumatic. A trauma is defined as an intense and overwhelming experience that involves serious loss, threat, or harm to a person’s physical or emotional wellness.

So where do we go from here? To be aware of something is the first step. The next step is to make others aware of it; then do whatever you can to call out this behavior and not participate in it. Attorneys must stand firm on a code of conduct and ethical practices.  If the behavior is not rectified then stop “trying” and proceed to court.

Once you are in court, make a record of all the obstructions, delays, and bad faith. The courts have punished offenders who delay and obstruct the judicial system. There was a recent decision on point in Suffolk, by Judge Patrick Leis III, in  where he found that due to the husband’s conduct he awarded the wife ten years of maintenance (more than the statutory recommendations) and gave no credit to the husband for the six years he was paying her pending during the action.

Abusers must be held accountable. It is said the courts are the sport of Kings. Our obligation is to see to it that the “King” plays by the rules, or else.