A mediator is defined as one who brings together two parties to enter into an agreement.  To better understand a mediator’s role, let’s explore different forms of mediation to put it into the proper context.  In religion, the priest acted as the mediator putting the people into relationship with God.  For Christians, Jesus is the mediator between God and man as written by Saint Paul.  A divorce mediator brings together two spouses to an understanding of how their marriage will end and how they will divorce.

A divorce mediator facilitates communication and directs conversation between the spouse to have a full discussion about relevant issues of a divorce.  A good mediator will, in essence, bridge the gap between two people in conflict.  The most important skill is prudence. Prudence is knowing what to do and say at any given moment.  A prudent mediator is akin to a quarterback on the field, reading the plays so he can determine what move to make next. 

Prudence is defined as good judgment, use of reason and good sense.  This is an essential quality for a mediator to be effective.  A mediator will listen attentively, ask pointed questions and navigate a discussion between the parties.  A mediator’s role is to see what each party’s goals are as well as discern what their greatest fear is as well as their desires.  A divorce mediator will bring to the couple the issues necessary to have included in a divorce agreement, namely parenting, child support, (if there are children) maintenance, division of assets and debts.  These are the basic components of a divorce and what must be addressed in detail in an agreement.

A mediator’s greatest challenge is to get each spouse to see the other side and what commonality there is.  If there is a heated issue, a mediator will suggest tabling this topic and move to issues that can be resolved to build confidence in the process.  A mediator must have good communication skills and practice attentive listening and be able to deal with conflict that arises between the parties.  Always trying to bring them back to the center.

A mediator can request and review financial documents, as well as order appraisals for homes, pensions, a business or ask or hire a CPA to review taxes and give an opinion letter.  With the cooperation of the couple, much can be accomplished and a detailed comprehensive agreement can be reached. If there are parenting issues they may refer them to a parent coordinator or child specialist.

The one thing a mediator cannot do is advocate for either party.  A mediator is not an attorney but a facilitator.  A mediator must remain neutral.  Parties are always free to seek counsel to obtain advice, review any written agreements, appraisals, or ask questions.  Mediators must walk a fine line between giving the parties the knowledge and law needed to formulate an agreement in an informative, unbiased way. 

Look for an experienced mediator who both you and your spouse feel comfortable with.  The mediation must foster a feeling of fairness and neutrality. There should never be any meetings without the other party, all calls must be conference calls and all emails must be copied.  These protocols help maintain the neutrality of the mediator without either party feeling slighted or that the mediator is taking sides.

A good mediator will be a conduit between the spouses.  They will bridge the gap so they can generate and create their own ending to their marriage.  Choose your mediator wisely and your marriage can end as you both desire.