If anyone would ask me what separates a successful divorce and an unsuccessful one, I would say the ability to forgive. What I mean by successful is the divorce was just (each party got what was their due).  There was not a devastation of their finances because of protracted litigation, and attorney fees. Most importantly their children were not exposed to the court process or used as pawns or become the third person in the divorce case.

What does such a divorce look like?  The parties move on, begin a new life, they co parent their children, and they can converse with each other as well as being able to be in the same room as their ex.

What can block this is a lack of forgiveness and letting go.  Now I am not saying forget.  Nor am I saying your feelings should not be self or expressed.  Feelings of anger, betrayal, disappointment, and hurt are very real.  These feelings are often the information and very catalyst that leads to a divorce because they are the byproducts of an unhealthy relationship. They often emerge as a result having been wronged.  The feelings are yours but they do not have to define you and they should not influence your future decisions.  Unforgiveness breeds resentment and prevents clarity and purpose.

Why is it important to forgive?  Well, not forgiving is like taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.  It eats away at you, colors your thoughts, days, and memories as well as potential future.  It leaves you in limbo and does physical as well as emotional and spiritual damage to you.  It is poison to your soul and it will pervade every aspect of your life.  Forgiveness is not for your ex but for you. It is an important part of the healing process.

When one forgives, it is the cutting of the thread that connects you to that person and it unlocks your potential for love, joy, and freedom.  It allows you to have hope and joy.  Understand it is not something you only do once.  You may have to do it every day until the wound heals and if a memory is triggered or you have to encounter the person who hurt you, you have to forgive again and again.  It is an ongoing process.

It is especially important to forgive if you have children together.  The children will sense your inability to forgive and they feel caught in the middle.  A child is part of both parents and they have a right to know and be in relationship with both of you.  If you block that free exchange and burden it with the baggage of the past, your child will suffer for it and then they will have to forgive you for depriving them of a healthy parental relationship and making them a part of your divorce.  This is about them and not you.

One of the reasons I advocate for collaborative divorce is in collaborative divorce  a divorce coach works with the couple to help them move on, address their hurts and concerns and begin anew. Communication skills are learned and the place to be able to express how you feel in a constructive way in a safe setting.  Litigation only intensifies the fight and negative feelings and conflict. Disappointment, fear, and hurt can be revealed, expressed and transformed in collaboration.  Choose your divorce process wisely; it has grave implications for you and your children in the future.

In collaboration, you will have the proper outlet to release the energy and pain you feel as well as your fears and hope for the future.  To bury it or to act it out inappropriately is not healthy for you, your ex, or your children.

Do you need to forgive? Take a deep breath, see if unforgiveness and anger lingers within you and your body. Tightness, sore muscles, headaches and dis-ease may be a clue. Then, instead of taking poison, open your heart, look at your children, and ask God for strength and compassion to not only forgive your spouse but yourself.